|Akaroa, New Zealand|
It is like being twisted from the inside and the tangles that weave themselves around your guts reach out of your heart and pull you from external awareness. Trapped inside your own cavity you fester and ferment, rolling around, tossing on internal waves of raging truth. When it seems like the waves have abated enough for you to escape, you leap from your own chest only to realized that you are tied around the ankles by that creeping vine of understanding. It jerks you back inside, only a little deeper this time. Like a Venus fly trap it's sticky edges began to fold around you and you know that you cannot leave this cavern until you face the energy behind it. The energy is real and it is a truth that you know lingers inside your most hidden being but you have not claimed it as your own. It will not cease until you do, so you fight it or you just give in. I've always been more of a fighter myself.
This is how I have felt for a long time. Maybe it has only been weeks but I am starting to realize that twisting feeling has been gripping me for a while now. Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever been tormented by something that your gut is telling you but you don't want it or can't face it in reality?
Last month, my gut had enough and decided that I would not be comfortable or present until I face some very basic truths about who I am becoming. I am not ready to share them on Waked Up just yet, but I need to describe this process of proclamation.
This nagging truth, a present reality that I have not accepted yet, whatever you want to call it, I think it is the Holy Spirit.
I come from a faith tradition that believes Jesus meant it when he promised his disciples at the Last Supper that he was not going to leave them abandoned. I also believe that this covenant he made was meant for all of us and not just that gang of dudes in the Upper Room.
My experience with that covenant has left me in a relationship with the Holy Spirit. For me, the Holy Spirit has been clearly defined by this gut feeling I get from time to time. If my gut happens to be off kilter or perhaps I am doing a really good job at ignoring it, then the Spirit lives in my life another way. I've found that when I refuse to internally converse with this Spirit of Truth that this truth will seek me out in all the media and human interactions that I encounter.
Over and over in my life of denying God's call and believing that call is both large and small in my daily condition, the Spirit has spoken to me again and again in body, word and deed. Whatever the new message from Papa God might be, that Spirit makes sure it drowns me in every experience I take part in. I see the message on a billboard, hear it on the radio, read it in a book I chose just for fun, hear it coming from a friend's personal story, see it walking through the grocery store, notice it coming out in my own email to someone. Once you have been given the message it will surround you until you claim it.
What happens when you are bombarded with the message and ignore it is what I described in the first paragraph of this post. The torment that comes with ignoring the voices of the Father is maddening. The energy it takes to cling to your own control of a situation is exhausting, completely life exhausting.
Joel and I were in New Zealand in January and even in the most beautiful place on planet Earth, with the man I love, on a trip we considered #1 on our bucket lists, I had this persistent stream of voices pouring into my heart. Even when I was in the most epic of life experiences I could not escape the voice of the Father calling me. However, this time, I was not interested in his message so I ignored and ignored and denied the truth that had followed me across the globe.
I spent days tapping in and out of the present moment as I fought with all I had to ignore the continued message coming from everything I encountered. Joel noticed and I could not explain what was going on because I did not want to admit what was going on. It wasn't until we were nearly through our whole trip that I broke down and submitted to the word made flesh, this word that was being given breath with the acceptance it received from my acknowledgement.
I finally gave in. I claimed the message and then I spoke it into being to my husband. As soon as it was out the twisting inside me ceased and my whole presence was filled with peace. This peace that passes all understanding has been richly washed over me.
If you have noticed that your life is being filled with subtle messages of a similar topic and you have an internal car alarm going off as something other than your own thoughts are creeping into your awareness... don't ignore this. Heed the message, accept the truth and allow the Spirit to apply it to your life. It isn't worth the fight because the truth is that whatever God is pressing upon you is going to be so much better than anything you could have planned for yourself. Just give up and live!