I hate being between things. Some folks have told me that I
am impatient. Maybe they’re right.
Making decisions is something that I think I do pretty well.
I can adapt at a moments notice and decide something entirely off the cuff if I
have to. I am not afraid to make a wrong decision or a “bad” decision. What
scares me is not being given the opportunity to make a decision at all.
Lately, I have been between so many things. The worst part
is that making a decision isn’t an option. Any decisions that could be made
cannot happen for a long while so I am left I limbo…waiting.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than limbo. I do not
linger by choice and avoid it like the plague.
I’ve been really troubled by this lately as I realize that
lingery space seems to pull the plug on my daily energy. It is exhausting for
me to live between.
Thinking back on my adult life I see all the patterns of a
between-hater. When we move, I bust my butt to finish decorating, making our
home a home in hours rather than the weeks that some people spend “getting to
know the place.” When Joel leaves for work, I want him to tell me goodbye so
that this space is closed and I am not lingering in some emotional “did he
leave yet? Are we good?” Closure. Closure is important. I won’t start any jobs
that I can’t finish at work. I don’t want to meet with anyone unless I know I
can be fully present. When a decision has to be made, I just make it. Sometimes
I try and make decisions for other people just because I don’t like watching
them linger in betweens either.
The other day, while trying to claim some discipline back
into my practice, I was lying in bed reading a Chinese medicine book. The title
of the book is “Between Heaven and Earth.” Then I looked at my book shelf. We were
given dozens of books on energy medicine from my Aunt and I found myself
scanning the titles. I saw another book that was called “Between two Worlds.” I
looked over at Joel who was reading the Richard Johnson book I sited the other
day, “Balancing Heaven and Earth.” Suddenly, I was struck with awareness.
I have spent most of my life avoiding the between spaces of
my emotional experience, but I am actually living in a between space every
single moment. Glancing around the library of books that I find to be holy
conductors of God’s truth, I saw clearly.
I am living between. The ideas that I am not is an illusion.
My whole existence is in between. At all times I am between seeking God and
finding God. I am between knowing truth and being far off course. I am between
seasons of life. I am between ages. I am between generations. I am between
growth and death. I am between Divine and worldly. I am between beliefs,
religions, practices, inspirations, relationships. My spiritual, emotional self
is between it all; realities, knowledge, truth, awareness, everything.
My physical self is between meals, bathroom visits, long
hair or short hair, committing to working out, showers, sleeping, etc.
I am in between.
This awareness pulled me into the present moment in a flash.
For the first time in a couple of months, I just sat out on my porch and
listened. I felt peace. If I have always been in between then this is where I
am supposed to be.
Today's photos were taken on a trip to Chile last winter.
