Tuesday, September 24, 2013

In Between

I hate being between things. Some folks have told me that I am impatient. Maybe they’re right.

Making decisions is something that I think I do pretty well. I can adapt at a moments notice and decide something entirely off the cuff if I have to. I am not afraid to make a wrong decision or a “bad” decision. What scares me is not being given the opportunity to make a decision at all.

Lately, I have been between so many things. The worst part is that making a decision isn’t an option. Any decisions that could be made cannot happen for a long while so I am left I limbo…waiting.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than limbo. I do not linger by choice and avoid it like the plague.

I’ve been really troubled by this lately as I realize that lingery space seems to pull the plug on my daily energy. It is exhausting for me to live between.

Thinking back on my adult life I see all the patterns of a between-hater. When we move, I bust my butt to finish decorating, making our home a home in hours rather than the weeks that some people spend “getting to know the place.” When Joel leaves for work, I want him to tell me goodbye so that this space is closed and I am not lingering in some emotional “did he leave yet? Are we good?” Closure. Closure is important. I won’t start any jobs that I can’t finish at work. I don’t want to meet with anyone unless I know I can be fully present. When a decision has to be made, I just make it. Sometimes I try and make decisions for other people just because I don’t like watching them linger in betweens either.

The other day, while trying to claim some discipline back into my practice, I was lying in bed reading a Chinese medicine book. The title of the book is “Between Heaven and Earth.” Then I looked at my book shelf. We were given dozens of books on energy medicine from my Aunt and I found myself scanning the titles. I saw another book that was called “Between two Worlds.” I looked over at Joel who was reading the Richard Johnson book I sited the other day, “Balancing Heaven and Earth.” Suddenly, I was struck with awareness.

I have spent most of my life avoiding the between spaces of my emotional experience, but I am actually living in a between space every single moment. Glancing around the library of books that I find to be holy conductors of God’s truth, I saw clearly.

I am living between. The ideas that I am not is an illusion. My whole existence is in between. At all times I am between seeking God and finding God. I am between knowing truth and being far off course. I am between seasons of life. I am between ages. I am between generations. I am between growth and death. I am between Divine and worldly. I am between beliefs, religions, practices, inspirations, relationships. My spiritual, emotional self is between it all; realities, knowledge, truth, awareness, everything.

My physical self is between meals, bathroom visits, long hair or short hair, committing to working out, showers, sleeping, etc.

I am in between.

This awareness pulled me into the present moment in a flash. For the first time in a couple of months, I just sat out on my porch and listened. I felt peace. If I have always been in between then this is where I am supposed to be.
Today's photos were taken on a trip to Chile last winter.