Monday, September 23, 2013

All the time Discipline

Joel and I have had a rough month or so. You’ve read it on 5 Things Friday. I didn’t even write a 5TF this week because all my short comings where the same. I haven’t even felt like blogging because it seemed hypocritical of me to offer my perceived revelations and life lessons to you because I felt like I wasn’t living into any of my own posts recently.

Between the mold, being sick, Joel getting sick, moving out of our apartment, moving back in, the leak that claimed our bathroom ceiling, the construction work, no time-line that reveals when it will end, wondering if we will even get to stay here, my grandfather in and out of the hospital, their care being negotiated, walking along side them as they suffer and age, committing to alternative medicine as my primary care, obsessively watching Breaking Bad, loosing our internet, needing work on our car, my computer ceasing to work properly, two weddings to help with and you know, working, ministering to youth, being a wife, daughter, sister and friend…I have been a mess.

I’ve told people recently that I feel emotionally disheveled. I think that is putting it lightly. I have felt guilty for not being present, not being grateful and for spending more time being depressed and annoyed by life than loving it even though absolutely all my needs are met and then some.

I have had crazy dreams that have pointed out that I feel betrayed by God which isn’t my favorite thing to admit out loud. I practice being tapped in to His energy so much that when something goes “wrong” (as I see it) it feels like a betrayal to all the self work and community work I’ve been doing in His name. Which brings on the guilt again… God has blessed me so much… but I believe that everything is significant so these events should not be ignored.

I am doing all the things that I hate doing and I know don’t breed any sort of life giving properties: wishing the day away, sleeping too much, not working out, not eating well, eating out too much, avoiding people in my free time, complaining and the list could go on.

Joel and I have clung feebly to our daily practices. Joel has done much better than me at this. I have only drawn animal medicine cards and annoyingly keep pulling the black panther (don’t fear the unknown), hummingbird (embrace happiness and delight), crow (change is coming), and dog (be loyal). I’ve rolled my eyes and chosen to forget the lessons that they bring to my awareness.

This week, when the leak popped through the plaster in our bathroom ceiling and the engine light turned on in my new car, and my grandpa lost the sparkle in his eyes, I sat on the couch with Joel and told him, “I am numb.” After being overwhelmed for so long, I just can’t even bring myself to feel any of it anymore (which sounds so dramatic that I am mildly embarrassed to even write it but I am trying to be real here).

We talked about the dreams we have both been having lately. We both have dreamed of a coming storm and a fear of the unknown that seems to grow in us with the waiting. I really hate the waiting part. I hate being between things. I like to choose, decide and live into whatever happens, good or bad. I want to do something…anything but wait.

Finally, Joel spoke something that made this whole month of madness come crashing down on me with truth. He said, “I think this all has happened to teach us to be disciplined even in the midst of the storm. This is when we should be disciplined most.”

Agh, I know this. I teach this. However, I clearly do not model this or live into it. Before he had even finished his sentence, I felt God’s presence holding me fast so that I would received this truth in full.

I let the last few weeks pass through my mind and I saw an abundance of opportunities where I could have been disciplined. Yoga, worship, running, juicing, cooking at home, sleeping enough, reading, writing on the blog, crying, laughing, sharing with people who care, spending time with friends and family, praying, going outside, painting, taking pictures, writing thank you notes, calling people back…I haven’t done much of any of this. I certainly have not been disciplined enough to call any of those blessings something that I practice.

So here it is a truth that I know but do not live. It’s so obvious that it hurts. Discipline is freedom. Discipline is a choice, an every day choice. Discipline is always important and probably even more important when times are tough. Discipline is how God changes everything. The best reminder I have had all week is that Discipline is a practice. I just need some more practice.