Joel and I have had a rough month or so. You’ve read it on 5
Things Friday. I didn’t even write a 5TF this week because all my short comings
where the same. I haven’t even felt like blogging because it seemed
hypocritical of me to offer my perceived revelations and life lessons to you
because I felt like I wasn’t living into any of my own posts recently.
Between the mold, being sick, Joel getting sick, moving out
of our apartment, moving back in, the leak that claimed our bathroom ceiling,
the construction work, no time-line that reveals when it will end, wondering if
we will even get to stay here, my grandfather in and out of the hospital, their
care being negotiated, walking along side them as they suffer and age,
committing to alternative medicine as my primary care, obsessively watching
Breaking Bad, loosing our internet, needing work on our car, my computer
ceasing to work properly, two weddings to help with and you know, working,
ministering to youth, being a wife, daughter, sister and friend…I have been a
mess.
I’ve told people recently that I feel emotionally
disheveled. I think that is putting it lightly. I have felt guilty for not
being present, not being grateful and for spending more time being depressed
and annoyed by life than loving it even though absolutely all my needs are met
and then some.
I have had crazy dreams that have pointed out that I feel
betrayed by God which isn’t my favorite thing to admit out loud. I practice
being tapped in to His energy so much that when something goes “wrong” (as I
see it) it feels like a betrayal to all the self work and community work I’ve
been doing in His name. Which brings on the guilt again… God has blessed me so
much… but I believe that everything is significant so these events should not
be ignored.
I am doing all the things that I hate doing and I know don’t
breed any sort of life giving properties: wishing the day away, sleeping too
much, not working out, not eating well, eating out too much, avoiding people in
my free time, complaining and the list could go on.
Joel and I have clung feebly to our daily practices. Joel
has done much better than me at this. I have only drawn animal medicine cards
and annoyingly keep pulling the black panther (don’t fear the unknown), hummingbird
(embrace happiness and delight), crow (change is coming), and dog (be loyal).
I’ve rolled my eyes and chosen to forget the lessons that they bring to my
awareness.
This week, when the leak popped through the plaster in our
bathroom ceiling and the engine light turned on in my new car, and my grandpa
lost the sparkle in his eyes, I sat on the couch with Joel and told him, “I am
numb.” After being overwhelmed for so long, I just can’t even bring myself to
feel any of it anymore (which sounds so dramatic that I am mildly embarrassed
to even write it but I am trying to be real here).
We talked about the dreams we have both been having lately.
We both have dreamed of a coming storm and a fear of the unknown that seems to
grow in us with the waiting. I really hate the waiting part. I hate being
between things. I like to choose, decide and live into whatever happens, good
or bad. I want to do something…anything but wait.
Finally, Joel spoke something that made this whole month of
madness come crashing down on me with truth. He said, “I think this all has
happened to teach us to be disciplined even in the midst of the storm. This is
when we should be disciplined most.”
Agh, I know this. I teach this. However, I clearly do not
model this or live into it. Before he had even finished his sentence, I felt
God’s presence holding me fast so that I would received this truth in full.
I let the last few weeks pass through my mind and I saw an
abundance of opportunities where I could have been disciplined. Yoga, worship,
running, juicing, cooking at home, sleeping enough, reading, writing on the
blog, crying, laughing, sharing with people who care, spending time with
friends and family, praying, going outside, painting, taking pictures, writing
thank you notes, calling people back…I haven’t done much of any of this. I
certainly have not been disciplined enough to call any of those blessings
something that I practice.
So here it is a truth that I know but do not live. It’s so
obvious that it hurts. Discipline is freedom. Discipline is a choice, an every
day choice. Discipline is always important and probably even more important
when times are tough. Discipline is how God changes everything. The best reminder I have had all week is that Discipline is a practice. I just need some more practice.
